


Someone Else's Love

by PinkBlossom



Category: Manic Street Preachers
Genre: Depression, F/M, Infidelity, Injury, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24587227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkBlossom/pseuds/PinkBlossom
Summary: Milly wonders why James is being so distant and falls in to arms of the band's manager
Relationships: James Dean Bradfield/Original Female Character, Martin Hall/Original Female Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Someone Else's Love

You weren’t looking forward to seeing him. He’d been away for over a month and despite this you would much rather be at home. It had got to the point where you had to make yourself join James on tour for a couple of nights. You’d been convinced just 6 months earlier that he was the one person you wanted to spend the rest of your days with. You’d been seeing each other five years and had lived together for the last eighteen months. Part of you hoped on every birthday, anniversary, full moon, that James would drop onto one knee and pull out a dainty little solitaire and ask you to marry him but that day had never come and you seemed as far away from that as you could be. You’d scrutinised your relationship while he’d been away, trying to work out what was going wrong and ways in which you could fix it. You only worked out that you’d just have to see how the situation panned out once he returned from tour, which was still 6 weeks away.

The tour had rattled into London and the boys were playing a sell out show in Brixton. James would usually stay at home when they played London but they needed to get away early in the morning as in a marvel of planning, the next night they were scheduled to be in Glasgow. The plan was you joined them on the jaunt up north and returned to London the next day while they carried on to Inverness and Aberdeen.

You finished work early so you could get to the hotel in time for them returning from sound check. Sitting in the bar with your glass of wine, It’s Nicky you spot first. He waves enthusiastically and walks over and gives you a hug before disappearing to his room. Sean smiles at you as he speeds up the stairs to his room. Eventually James walks in, gives you a smile and walks up to you for a hug.

“I’m going to get a shower love, you stay here and finish your drink, I’ll be back in half an hour and we can get something to eat yeah?”

You agree and James leaves you sat, lonely, in the bar. On every other tour James would have wanted you to join him in the room, eager to make the most of every second with you. This new development depresses you even further and you were so caught up in this you didn’t notice Martin stood over you. He coughed politely and you nearly jumped a mile.

“Sorry Milly, I didn’t mean to make you jump,” he said apologetically.

“Ah it’s my fault, I was miles away,” you said, standing up to give Martin a hug.

“Did you not see James? He walked in way ahead of me?”

“Yeah, he’s getting a shower.”

Martin seemed puzzled; he’d been on enough tours to know that this was not normal behaviour. However, not wishing to dwell on the matter, he asked if you’d join him in a drink. Staring down at your oh-so-nearly empty glass and figuring you have another half hour to kill, you agree. At least you don’t feel like the loner in the bar anymore. Martin chats to you about your job and the haphazard hockey team you play for. You tell him about trying to convince James to let you get a kitten and ask him about the tour. Forty minutes later, you barely realise James is late when he strolls into the bar. Martin gets up to go, telling James to be back in the bar at 8pm to go to the venue. James takes you to a little bistro round the corner from the hotel where you get something to eat. James is chatty enough and you talk but its almost like he’s being interviews and the responses almost sound prepared and not the sort on conversation you thought you’d have when you’ve not seen each other for over a month. Just before eight, you head back to the hotel and get onto the bus that will take you to the venue. 

You take your usual spot to the side of the stage as the band launch into their first song. James and Nicky are both full of energy and it’s rare for either of them to have both feet on the ground. You watch the crowd lapping up every second and feel the excitement starting to get to you. At the end of James’ second acoustic song, you catch his eye as he takes a swig of drink and he smiles and winks at you. Immediately you feel that swirl of butterflies, a feeling you’d not had in a long time. Maybe all was not lost.

Back at the hotel, James insists of a couple of drinks at the bar with some of the guys. Hours pass and you hint to James that actually you’re feeling tired.

“Ok love, you get yourself to bed, I’ll see you later,”

Trying to stay positive, you hope that James will follow on in a few minutes and get yourself washed and into bed You start to read your book and wait for James to return.

The next thing you know, its 5 am and James is fast asleep next to you. You get up and get a shower because you’re far too hurt to sleep. You get ready and packed. James is still fast asleep…god knows what time he finally made it to bed. Unable to settle you leave the room and go outside for a cigarette. You sit on a bench on the rear patio of the hotel fighting back the torrent of tears you can feel swelling behind your eyes. You’re thinking of excuses to go home and not go to Scotland when you see Martin heading toward you. You muster a smile and he sits down next to you.

“Could I borrow your lighter, I think that boyfriend of yours nicked of with mine last night.”

You fumble around in your pockets and give Martin your lighter. Watching you, he lights his cigarette and hands it back.

“Are you ok?” he asks gently, sitting closer to you now. The softness of his voice breaks the front you were putting on and tears stream down your face. He put his arm around you and you naturally put your head on his shoulder. His hand gently rubs the top of your arm and you start to calm down.

“I assume you and James have had an argument?” Martin says quietly.

You take a few moments to calm down enough to speak. “No,” you sob. “An argument would have been easier,” tear trickles down your face.

Martin stays silent and you pull yourself up; he doesn’t need to hear this.

“I’m going to get my stuff and go. I can’t handle this anymore.”

Martin tugs at your jacket and you fall back into your seat and puts his arm around you again.

“I’m going to say something really selfish here, please don’t go because I don’t think any of us could cope with James if you did.”

“You are assuming he’ll care. I may as well have been at home last night for all the notice he took.”

“Of course he cares. Please stay.”

Fighting your better judgement and your heart winning over your head you agreed. Martin tried to coerce you into breakfast but you couldn’t handle the thought of food so he gets you a coffee before running off to make sure everything is organised.

After the coffee and another cigarette, you go back to the room. James is in the shower. Glancing in the mirror your eyes are all puffy and red, it’s obvious you’ve been crying. You’re aware at some point you’re going to have a serious discussion with him but now if most definitely the wrong time. You grab your bag and head out of the room. Aware you need to put some make up on, you look for someone familiar and find Nicky.

“Woah, are you alright?” he asks.

You tell Nicky you’re fine and ask if you can borrow his room to put some make up on. He agrees and walks you to his room.

“So did you and James…..” his words trail off, almost like he’s afraid to ask.

“Actually, James doesn’t know I’ve been crying…and I’m wondering if we can keep it that way Nick? It’s just, I know it will turn into an argument which I can walk away from after tomorrow, but you guys are stuck on tour with James for another month and a half.”

Nicky nods, “I’m worried about you guys you know, there’s something different about you both.”

You sigh, you’d half entertained the idea that these problems with your relationship might be in your head. It was sad to have it confirmed to you that the issue was visible to others close to you.

With your make up done you look to Nicky for confirmation that you look better. He smiles and gives you a hug. It seemed that all your emotional support had been provided by James’ friends recently. As nice as it was, all you really wanted was for James to turn around and tell you that he loved you. Somehow you didn’t think this was going to happen.

The journey to Glasgow is quiet. It seems James only crawled into bed a couple of hours before you woke up so spends the entire journey north sleeping off his hangover. You spend most of the journey with your head in a book. Martin came and sat with you for a while and chatted away, keeping you company and making sure you were ok after your fraught start to the day. James didn’t surface for the entire journey and you were off the bus before he even registered it had stopped. Martin shepherded them to a sound check while you explore the city centre. You loved Glasgow and it was one of your favourite UK cities. After wandering around the city, you check yourself into the hotel and relax. An hour later James arrives at the room and goes to get a shower and you can feel yourself becoming restless and edgy. In order to avoid an argument, you tell James you’ll meet him in the bar. You order yourself a large glass of wine and take a seat in a quieter area of the bar and read your book. Before long you’re joined by Nick Sean and Martin, all talking and joking as they waited for James to arrive

After the gig you took a seat on the tour bus and waited on the guys getting onboard. Sean and Nicky got away pretty quickly. It seemed like forever before Martin got on the bus, it started to pull away.

“Woah, James isn’t here yet,” you called out loudly.

Martin made his way over to you, an uneasy look on his face. You knew what he was going to say.

“James arranged to go out with some of the guys tonight,” Martin said, looking frightened.

For a few moments, you didn’t know how to react but you were overcome with rage and seethed to yourself. When the bus stopped at the hotel, you marched to the room, throw your stuff in your bag and march back downstairs to reception, past a frankly terrified looking Nicky and Martin and walk in the vague direction of the city centre. The rain starts to fall and you put the hood of your coat up and walk even quicker After a few minutes you can hear someone running behind you, their hurried footsteps echoing on the damp pavement.

“Milly, wait!” comes a voice from behind you. You ignore it. You’ve ‘made your mind up and who ever it is can just move faster. The footsteps sound quite close now.

“Milly please stop,” you glance backwards to find Martin nearly doubled over trying to catch his breath.

“Where are you going?” he asks still breathless.

“HOME!” you shout at such a volume everyone else in the area hushes their voices.

“I don’t think you’ll be able to get back to London at this time of night,” Martin tells you as calmly as he can.

“I don’t care, I’m not staying a moment longer,” you shout and turn to carry on walking

“Please Milly, it’s cold and wet out here. I can’t leave you like this and while you had the sense to grab a coat before running out the door, I did not,” Martin pleads.

You stop to look at him, he is indeed just wearing a suit jacket which is now soaked. You drop your bag and Martin picks it up and puts his arm around you which makes the rage you were feeling turn into red hot tears. You never cried and you especially didn’t cry in front of people. Martin holds you close to him on the cold wet street corner until you’ve regained a bit of composure when he leads you back to the hotel. You return to your room to get a shower. Once you’re dressed you pack your bag yet again. You still want to leave and wonder if a less dramatic exit might allow you to slip away from the hotel unnoticed. You’re about to phone for a taxi when there is a knock at your door. Cautiously you open it to find Martin stood on the other side of the threshold. He sees the bag sat on the bed.

“I tried to get you another room but the hotel is full tonight. You’re more than welcome to stay in my bed. There is a sofa in my room, I’ll kip on that. Come on, I’ve also got a bottle of wine,” he smiles.

You look at him and wonder why he’s being so kind? Was it really worth all this effort to keep you from running of into the night? Given that you really don’t fancy sleeping on a train station floor, you grab your bag and follow Martin to his room. 

“I’m sorry, I just…don’t know what to do anymore,” you say, dropping you bag on the floor and slumping on the sofa.

“It’s me who should be sorry, I should never have insisted that you come to Glasgow. I didn’t realise things were this bad between you both.” Martin replies handing you a glass of wine. You take a large sip.

There is a silence and you feel compelled to tell him about your worries.

“I just don’t know what’s happened. I’ve been over it a million times over the last few weeks. We seem to have drifted apart and I don’t know how to fix it because I don’t know what I’ve done,” you ramble, more tears appear in your eyes.

“You know, I doubt there is anything you’ve done wrong.”

“But what if I have and I’m just not realising?”

“He’s behaving like an idiot. Getting you to come all the way to Glasgow then going out without inviting you. I’d never want you to leave my side after not seeing you for the last few weeks.”

“It MUST be me, it just…has to be.” You state, your anxiety evident in your face.

“No,” Martin replies firmly, holding on to you tighter than ever. “It could be any number of things but I’m willing to bet it’s not you.” he adds.

You’d probably describe yourself as an optimist on any given day. Today that optimism had been crushed and you felt hopeless. You take another large slug of wine and sit leaning against Martin. He gets up to refill your glasses You both sit silently for a while until another wave of angst hits.

“You don’t think he’s got someone else do you? I mean that might explain a lot of things. Am I that rubbish he needs to see someone else?” you jabber, barely making sense even to yourself

There was no arguing with the places your imagination was taking you. Martin stands up and catches hold of you in his arms as you pace, making you stand still. You rest your head on his chest as his hand gently rubs your back. You take half a step back and look up at him, those gentle eyes looking right back at you. You both lean forward and kiss before looking back at each other. It was like you both knew it was wrong but that wasn’t going to stop this happening so you both leant forward again for a deeper, more embracing kiss…

The alarm on your phone woke you up for your ridiculously early train back to London. Martin was still soundly asleep with his arm wrapped around you. He didn’t stir as you slowly freed yourself from his grasp and went and got ready. You called reception for a taxi and sat on the edge of the bed to gently wake him up. He beamed a huge smile at you.

“Must you go already?” he said huskily.

“Yes, couldn’t get today off work, a late start was the best I could get,” you replied.

He sits up and pulls you towards him, kissing your neck while holding you close. It took all your willpower to get of the bed and answer the phone. it was reception letting you know your taxi had arrived. Martin is now out of bed and holds you close before kissing you goodbye.

Nothing could prepare you for the barrage of conflicting emotions you felt over the course of your week. You craved more time with Martin while actually missing James who had phoned you to apologise about his behaviour while you’d been on tour and promising to ‘talk’ when he got back. You were also exchanging texts with Martin who had also returned and was trying to convince you to meet up. Your friends were noticing your ditsy behaviour (Salt in your tea anyone?) but it was Helen, your long-time friend you actually opened up to and told the whole story. She even managed not to look too shocked when you told her about your night with Martin.

“Does your life really become this complicated when you start dating rock stars? I think I’ll give it a miss,” she said.

“I don’t think it needs to be,” you told her. “It’s just the way I’m playing it.”

“Well lovely, the crux of the situation is do you love James still? Or at least, do you love him enough not to escalate things with Martin?”

That was the big question. You didn’t know the answer to be honest; James had apologised to you a million times for the things he’s said or done but had repeated the behaviour at a later stage. Could you maintain any form of relationship with Martin that wouldn’t cause huge problems for people you cared about? Not likely. There were too many possibilities to comprehend.

Helen had given you a lot to think about and after getting home you intended to get an early night in order that you could think things through rationally in the morning. You’d started to run a bath when your phone chirped to say you’d received a text; It was Martin asking how you were and did you want to go round for a drink. You sighed and put the phone down and climbed into the bath. After a well needed soak, you checked your phone again and there was a message from James asking how you were. Switching the phone off, you got ready for bed and climbed under the duvet but as much as you wanted to sleep you couldn’t stop your brain from trying to work out what your heart was thinking. It was three in the morning when you got yourself out of bed and went to make some tea. You stuck your phone back on and looked at Martin’s last text. You replied, asking if he was still awake. He replied quickly, asking you come round and within ten minutes you were phoning a taxi to come and get you. Maybe you needed to get Martin out of your system.

As you climbed the stairs up to Martin’s flat, feelings of guilt swirled round you. You knew this was dangerous territory; sleeping with another man once was bad, actively seeking out a second helping was taking you into the realms of the unforgiveable. In the shrouded darkness of the hallway, you could see Martin’s face beaming as he held the door open for you. You smiled back, holding back the angst that bubbled beneath the surface.

“How come you were answering texts at this hour of day,” you asked Martin.

“Because I couldn’t sleep and I really wanted to see you. I’ve been worried about you.”

“You’re worried about me? I’m worried about me. You know, I didn’t think I was the kind of girl who would sleep with someone behind my boyfriend’s back.” You say, a slight edge in you voice that reveals your anxiety.

Martin puts his arm around your shoulder. “This is why I was worried about you.”

Martin makes you a cup of tea and you sit in the lounge with the dim light of the table lamp throwing blurry shadows across the room.

“I had words with James after you left you know,” Martin confessed, watching you for a hint of reaction.

You stayed silent. You’d half hoped that James had reflected on his behaviour and that’s why he’d phoned you to say sorry. This made it seemed more forced and you were as unconvinced as ever that there was any future for you.

“Sorry, I’ve done the wrong thing again haven’t I?” Martin said, spying you with a nervous look.

“I wanted to believe that he’d apologised because he’d realised he’d behaved badly. But if you told him, I guess that hasn’t happened.”

“No, he hadn’t realised and I tore strips off him. He was quite genuinely upset with himself though. He DOES care Milly it’s just, he sometimes doesn’t show it. He shouldn’t treat you like that because you deserve so much more.”

“Do I? I went off and slept with you. Does he really deserve that? And here I am again despite every part of me thinking this is a bad idea” you said angrily.

Martin looked stunned, your anger had caught even you by surprise. You muted yourself, wondering how and if Martin would respond.

The silence seemed to go on for ever but in reality it was probably only a few minutes.

“When you woke up the morning after our night together, how did you feel?”

It was a strange question to come back with, but then, how were you expecting him to deal with your hostility?

“I felt like I didn’t want to leave, I would have like to have stayed with you a while longer,” you replied, watching Martin, unsure of his next move.

“And for someone who was ready to march of to the train station,” that was a considerable improvement.

“Well yes,”

“Its my job to make things happen, make sure events happen as smoothly as possible.”

“Yeah …ok”

“So I knew there was a possibility of you ending the relationship before the end of the tour and that was bad on both a band front and a personal front for you both.”

“Oh,” you say feeling deflated. “So you weren’t sleeping with me because you might actually like me then?”

“Of course I like you,” Martin assured you. He could see you weren’t convinced and came and sat closer to you. “You are beautiful, witty and…” he trailed off.

“Martin, it’s fine. You don’t have to spare my feelings. I can now see you were only keeping me sweet so I wouldn’t cause a scene. I think its time I went home and got to bed because I’m obviously wasting my time here.” You say wearily standing up and gesturing to leave.

Martin stood up at once and blocked your path. His eyes were red and heavy as, you suspected were yours. Your brain just couldn’t think. Glancing at the clock, you see it is now half five. You sit back down as you’re just too tired to do anything else. Martin kneels in front of you and runs his hand over the side if your head.

“I’m sure I can say this more poetically with adequate sleep but I think you’re amazing and have done from the moment I was introduced to you. Sleeping with you was a massive betrayal of James but I’ve thought about you every day since and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I could probably convince myself that sleeping with you was for the good of the band and probably to save James from being dumped in the middle of the tour by the woman he will go on and marry. I’ll not convince myself of this for the sake of dubious morals, but to get over the fact that the beautiful woman I once slept with can’t be mine.”

On any other day, you might have thought Martin was spinning you a story but the tears rolling down his cheeks told you this wasn’t a story, or at least a made up one. You knew you’d be staying with him a little while longer so you suggested that maybe you should both go to bed. Wearily, Martin agreed and you both got into Martin’s bed. He looked so unhappy, bereft. Getting yourself ready in the bathroom, you walk in to the room joined him in bed, you slid closer to Martin and put your arms around him. He reciprocated and you are cocooned in a mutual embrace.

This is how you wake up some hours later. A glance at the clock tells you its half past midday. Martin is just stirring. He almost seems surprised to find you lying next to him; surprised yet overwhelmingly happy. He cups his hand on your face and tenderly rubs his thumbs against your cheeks.

“Its ok, I’m not an apparition.” You joke.

“Well waking up next to you…it’s a bit of a dream really,” he replies, his voice croaky but his lips displaying a joyous smile.

You smiled back because it was hard to do anything else. You ran your hand over his stubble and planted a kiss on his lips. When had this happened, when had you fallen in love with him? This wasn’t just because of Glasgow, this had been happening for quite sometime only you’d been too wrapped up in James to notice. It was hard not to like Martin. He was a constant, never up or down until these last couple of weeks. You did find him attractive; you’d just suppressed it because you were seeing James. Now you could appreciate everything you liked about him. You ran your hand over his stubble again and planted a longer kiss on him lips. This time he grabbed your hips so you remained close. His bright blue eyes have you transfixed and invite you to stay longer…

When you wake up again its after 2pm and you’re absolutely starving. When you hear the front door open and close, you realise Martin isn’t actually lying next to you and once you’ve put some clothes on, you go to the kitchen to find him unpacking food from some supermarket bags. You wrap your arms around his waist and rest your head on his shoulder blades. He tilts his head back to speak.

“How does a BLT shake you?”

“Oh god yes, I could actually eat my shoes right now,” you joke.

You go and get a shower before joining Martin to eat. You also search out your mobile and find another message from James. This time he’s asking if you want to join him on tour again. You’re aware of Martin watching you.

“James by any chance?” he asks.

“Yeah, wants me to join him on tour again.”

“Which date so I can you added to the room list.”

“I’ve not said I’ll go yet.”

“You should.”

You look at him uneasily, unsure of how to read his insistence.

He sighs. “As I said to you in the early hours of this morning, you’re meant to be together.”

“Martin, I just slept with you again and I don’t even feel guilty about it,” you say is quiet disbelief.

“As much as it kills me, we can’t be together. Once you’re back with James, you’ll realise that you love him more than you could ever love me.”

“And if I don’t? What happens if I don’t love James any more.”

“You need to give it a go. I’ll always cherish our time together but you’re not mine.”

Fighting back the tears and swallowing the lump in your throat, you ask where the band will be next weekend.

“Prague, I’ll add you to the list and make sure you get a pass.” He tells you with work-like efficiency.

The build up to the Prague visit was driving you to distraction. Martin wasn’t returning your calls and you felt miserable. You’d spent an entire evening at Helen’s; crying your eyes out as you told her about the extension to your sorry story. She thought Martin was actually doing you a favour, giving you the chance to sort everything out with James. It didn’t make you feel any better.

Flight delays and then road works had meant you’d got to the hotel ten minutes before the band were due to leave for the venue. James could see your miserable face as the taxi drew up at the hotel doors and pulled a sad face back at you. You smiled…maybe you needed to lighten up a bit. James offered you the chance to stay at the hotel and he’d see you after the gig but you decided you’d go to the gig. James was being attentive. Martin’s verbal lashing had obviously had some effect. It wasn’t until you were back at the hotel after the gig you were finally able to talk.

“I know I said so on the phone, but I’m sorry about how I treated you last time you were with us. I just wasn’t thinking.”

“You’ve done a lot of that lately James.”

He looked stunned. You’d wanted to avoid an argument but there was no way you could stay quiet, you needed to sort this out because you couldn’t handle being unhappy more the rest of the tour.

“And what does that mean?” he replies brashly, not hiding his contempt for your comment.

“You’ve been ignoring me for months. We’ve barely spoken about anything of any importance,” you say a slight quiver in your voice. “I feel like you don’t want me anymore James.”

James looks at you and then stares at his shoes, shifting his weight from side to side and an ever increasingly uneasy look on his face. You can see that he knows you’re right. A silence grows between you. Eventually, James speaks.

“I guess I‘ve not been myself lately but I didn’t ask you to come here so we could fight or ignore each other though. I do want us to get on.”

“Then tell me why James. I want to know what I’ve done.” You protest, your voice now raised.

“Milly, can we not just leave this. I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been ignoring you but can you let me pay you some attention this weekend that doesn’t end up in an argument. We’ll talk about I but now’s not the time.” He urged, slightly enraged.

You felt like you were trapped in a vicious cycle. If you spent time with James it was inevitable you’d argue but if you were apart you felt abandoned . Right now abandonment was probably going to be the easier option. Swallowing the anger that feels caught in your throat you breathe slowly and calm yourself.

“Ok…look I think I’ll get an early night, I’ve been awake since the crack of dawn. You go get a drink in the bar. I’ll be fine,” you say quietly.

James mutely kisses you goodnight before leaving the room. You’re left feeling confused and hurt, your imagination running again through myriad scenarios as to what has made James be like this with you. You wish Martin was here which makes you feel immesnly guilty. You toy with phoning Martin but decide that won’t help matters. Instead you think about him as you drift off to sleep.

When you wake up, James is already awake. Laying on his side watching you slowly leave sleep behind. He kisses you on the forehead and smiles.

“I’m sorry.” James tells you, his voice husky and not quite awake. You smile back but remain silent.

“I really don’t deserve you… can’t believe I’ve treated you like this and you’re still here,” he adds.

Still you don’t speak, aware that if James knew the truth, you’d be over in a millisecond. He pulls himself closer to you and holds you near. You can remember the last time James held you like this and it was New Year’s morning, your first new year living together. Now as then you’d argued and this was him saying sorry. He kisses your neck and breasts. You feel guilty but too blissed out to care.

You felt strange after making love to James again, reminding your self you’d slept with another man twice in the meantime. It was nice to feel wanted although you were still unclear as to what had led James to that behaviour and that niggled at you slightly.

Today was a rest day which meant you’d spend most of it travelling to the next venue which was in Paris. James never left your side and once you arrived in your Parisian boutique hotel room, James felt able to talk to you a bit more openly.

“Did you know that this…us is the longest relationship I’ve ever had?” he said as you lay on the sofa together.

“No, I didn’t. You’ve never really talked about your previous relationships,” you replied, keen for him to open up a little more.

“It scared me a bit to be honest… I didn’t know what to do with you.” He said smiling.

“Did you think I was going to turn into a pumpkin if you kept me too long?” you teased.

“Nah, you’re too cute to turn into a pumpkin,”

“So what then? Was I stressing you out with talk of the pitter patter of tiny paws?”

“Eh?”

“The kitten I was hinting at getting. It seems my hints were too subtle then.”

“Umm yeah you must have been. It’s quite a scary prospect though, settling down with one person for what you hope will be forever.”

You look at James, the smile is gone and that worried frown he wears so well has replaced it. So he’d been having doubts about your relationship.

“James, you need to talk to me about this sort of stuff. That’s what I’m here for.”

“Yeah but I couldn’t exactly turn to you and ask you if you thought I was ready to settle down could I?”

“No James, you decided to avoid me altogether leading me to believe that our relationship was actually over and we were merely going thought the motions until one of us had the sense to call it a day which quite frankly was going to be me as soon as you finished this tour.”

James sits up and looks at you horrified. “Really, you were ready to dump me?”

“Yes James, I was. When I sat on the coach going back to the hotel after the Glasgow gig I was going to end it. I had my bag packed to try and get a train home that night but Martin pointed out I couldn’t get a train at that time of day.” You state, trying not to get too worked up.

“Shit… I had no idea.”

“So have you decided if I’m the girl you want to spend the rest of your days with?”

The delay in his reply told you that this matter was far from over. You could feel your heart sinking to the pit of your stomach and you actually felt sick.

“I really don’t know Milly.”

“So I could well be wasting my time here?”

James didn’t answer and he changed the subject. You were reeling and you began to feel detached from the situation possibly to protect yourself. You didn’t know how you made it though the Paris gig the next evening but as soon as you got home to the flat the realisation hit you like a brick to the face. You couldn’t function and you sobbed into your duvet all night. You had to call in sick to work the next morning because you were clearly in no fit state to be near people. Martin was right… you did love him and you felt rejected even though you were still together.

After a few days you are still not coping. You’ve tried everything you can think of and you end up having to go to see you doctor who signs you off work and prescribes anti-depressants and sedatives you had no intention of taking. You just sit in the house, your mood growing darker. You kept your phone switched off because you knew if James called to tell you it was over, you’d not be able to cope. For five days you kept yourself in the bubble of your flat until one evening the doorbell sounded. You’d been ignoring the door, not really wishing to converse with the outside world. This time, the doorbell just kept ringing and ringing. Realising you’re going to have to tell whoever it is to piss off, you pull your cardigan tightly around you and slowly open the door. Martin stood on the other side.

“Milly!” he exclaimed. “Thank god for that. I was about to phone the police and get them to break the door down.” He says relieved before taking a moment to look at you. “Milly? Are you alright?”

You burst into tears and held on to the wall. Your breathing was fast and you could barely get enough air in to your tired lungs. Martin picks you up and holds you close to him. Once the sobbing had subsided, you both sit down, Martin still holding you.

“Milly, James called me to say he hasn’t been able to get though to you on the phone for a few days and no one he knows had been able to get hold of you. I need to call him because he’s due on stage in ten minutes and he is genuinely worried.”

Martin went though to your kitchen to make the call, returning once he’d finished.

“What the hell has happened? Why didn’t you call me? Martin asks.

“He doesn’t know if I’m the girl he wants to spend the rest of his days with you know?” you whimper, in between a new batch of tears. “And I love him… just like you said and I wanted us to sort things out but we can’t because as it happens, might be a waste of everyone’s effort.”

Martin crouches down next to you, desperately

“Couldn’t bear to keep my phone on in case the next call I got was from James, telling me it was over.”

“Milly, you can’t stay here. Get your things together. You are going to come and stay with me for a while.”

You couldn’t argue, your sleep addled mind just wasn’t capable. You slowly got up and went to your bedroom to put some things in a bag but in the end, Martin had to come and help you because nothing made sense anymore. Martin picked up your prescription of the kitchen table before turning all the lights off and leading you to his car.

You refused to eat anything but Martin managed to convince you to take your tablets and drink some water. He lay with you in bed, stroking your hair until you eventually drifted uneasily into a dreamless sleep.

You woke up a few times, always too tired to be able to wake up properly. Martin was always next to you, sometimes he was asleep. Eventually you were able to wake up properly. You looked at the clock and saw it was 6am but were shocked to find you’d been asleep some 30 hours. Martin had indeed stayed with you much of the time. He told you he didn’t want you to wake up alone in a strange place. While you still felt like you were in freefall the sleep had done you good. Martin insisted you take your tablets regularly and though you didn’t feel they were doing anything, Martin’s insistence made you feel safe. He also encouraged you to eat. Nothing huge but it was better than nothing. He spent most of the day watching TV with you. You suspected he should have been at work as he kept diving off to answer his phone but you were grateful for the company. 

You stayed with Martin for the next week. You convinced him to go back to work after the weekend. You remained signed off work, your doctor feeling you needed more time to get over things. Little did they know that things were probably going to get a heap worse once James got back of tour. Eventually you found the strength to go back home but only with Martin’s insistence that you call him should you need. Once you were home, you knew you couldn’t stay with James anymore. The morning before he was getting home you felt tense and when you heard his key in the door, your stomach churned. He tried to give you a hug but it left you feeling cold.

“What are these?” James said, picking up your latest prescription from the kitchen counter.

“They’re anti-depressants.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why should I?”

“I’d have come home,” he offered.

“I think you were the last person I needed to see at that point.”

James slammed the packet of tablets back on the counter, his temper starting the cloud over.

“You don’t know that,” he snarled, pacing around the kitchen.

Right now, you knew you wanted to end this relationship before you became embroiled in yet another pointless argument. The problem was you didn’t have the energy. Your confidence was shot. James was prowling the kitchen feeling annoyed you hadn’t shared your mental state with him. You sit down at the kitchen table and just stared in to space. James finally loses patience and announces he’s going for a shower. The tension between you is intolerable. You decide you have to get out before something happens. You grab your things and leave the house while James in in the shower.

You were on the bus you finally managed to get through to Helen who agrees that you can stay. You text James to say you need a few days away and turn your phone off.

Helen was expecting the next instalment of the drama that has become your life but she immediately recognised that you were not well. You told her everything and she listened intently.

“You look exhausted Milly, You should get to bed,” Helen soothed after watching you stare of in to space as you tried to watch TV.

“I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. The doctor gave me sedatives but I’ve used them all and I can’t get more just yet. I’m beginning to feel like I’m really going mad.” You confessed.

“You need to go back to the doctors tomorrow. You’re so skinny right now and I’m worried about you.”

“I’ll think about it but I feel like I’ve bought this all on myself.”

Helen asked if anyone else knew where you were. You told her no and that you didn’t want them to. Helen was concerned that you’d left the house in a clearly distressed state and that people would be worried. You got your phone out and turned it on. Sure enough, there were nearly a hundred missed calls and messages from James.

“I really don’t want anyone to know where I am,” you stated, feeling anxious about anyone finding out. “I need to get myself together.”

Helen suggested that she phone Martin to let him know you were ok. James would know it was her and he knew where she lived. She could stay anonymous to Martin. You agreed and gave her your phone. You sat in the front room while Helen went through to the kitchen to make the call. You could hear what Helen was saying. Martin was clearly desperate to find out where you were but Helen remained resolute and asking if he could make sure James knew that you were safe.

“Wow didn’t think I was going to get him of the phone.” Helen remarked as she walked back through and handed back your phone. “I’ve somehow agreed to call him back tomorrow. Is he always so persuasive?”

“It’s his job,” you reply, thinking about how he kept you in Glasgow.

You stayed with Helen for a week. You were thinking straighter, but you remained exhausted and highly anxious especially at the prospect of seeing James again. Your solution was to text him to start with. At least then you could turn your phone off if it all became too much. James wasn’t keen to start with and wanted to call you and indeed tried a few times. Eventually you got through to him that this was the only way you felt comfortable with. A lot of your text conversations focused on James wanting you to come home. After a few days you felt brave enough to say you didn’t think that was a good idea. When he protested you found the courage to ask him if he’d decided you were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. You were met with radio silence.

You’d avoided talking to Martin as you’d felt it was too much to cope with. He’d only sent you one message since the tour had ended and that was to say take care and he’s always about if you need him. Helen had talked to Martin quite a few times and you felt a tiny bit jealous. You missed him.

Helen had been an amazing friend but you knew you needed to get back to your own space. Going back to live with James was not going to be possible, You knew Martin had a friend who let flats so you sent him a message to ask if he could enquire on your behalf. Within seconds he messaged to say that he would and could he see you. You agreed and that evening you got into a taxi and headed to see him.

You felt nervous about seeing him again but once you were in his presence the nerves dissipated and you took solace in his warm embrace.

“It’s good to see you again,” he said, still enveloping you in his arms. “ I was worried that you’d left my life for good.

You admitted that it was good to see him too.

“I hope you understood my reasons for cutting contact.”

“Completely,” he replied instantly. “I was grateful you allowed your friend to keep me posted. I was worried that I’d contributed to the way you’ve been feeling.”

“I do wonder what would have happened if you’d allowed me to leave after the Glasgow gig. You said as Martin finally let you away from his hold. Martin looked at you with a worried look.

“I was being selfish there. I didn’t want you go because it would make the tour unbearable if it carried on at all but the thought of not seeing you again was awful. I treasure the time we spend together.

“Even the time where I was practically losing my mind?” you quip. “ I think all of this was an inevitability between my overthinking and James’ just not thinking,” you retort, making your way to the sofa and taking a seat.

Martin is now sitting next to you. “I love you Milly.”

Even though you’d professed your attraction to each other you were quite taken aback my Martin’s declaration. You liked him but right now you were unsure who you loved. You take his hand and hold it tightly. “I’ve missed you these last few weeks. I think I know I need to speak to James and end things,” you confess.

Martin offers for you to stay with him while you sort things out with James but you decide that would be too complicated. Helen wasn’t kicking you out or anything, you needed to get a place and get back to work. Martin’s friend had found you a flat and you could move in after the weekend. With everything arranged you decided that it was time to go back to Helen’s place. While you waited for your taxi, Martin held you again. It was hard to describe how cared for you felt with Martin. You had loved James and felt that he had loved you. But not anymore.

You walk into Helen’s flat and you are aware there is someone else other than Helen there. You walk to the kitchen and take a sharp intake on breath when you realise the visitor is James.

Helen stands up. “He wouldn’t leave and short of calling the police which I was very tempted to do I let him in and I have lay down ground rules. One false move and I will call the police without hesitation,” she said, getting up and fixing James with a scornful look. James did not react.

Helen left and for the first time in weeks it was just you and James,

“Where have you been?” he enquired.

“Sorting out somewhere to live,” you shot back,

James was taken aback by your statement. “So you’ve decided then?”

“Well one of us had to. I can’t carry living in limbo while you decide what you want to do. I loved you James but it’s clear that you don’t see a future for us together. The last few months has been hell and I need things to change so I can get better.

“What if I promise to change things?” James replied. He was less confident now and the realisation that you really were going to leave had hit him.

“It’s all too late. You’ve had so many opportunities. Even on this tour I thought everything could be saved but you avoided me.”

“But I love you,” James pleaded.

“You did love me as I loved you. I’m not going to change my mind James. I’m sorry it has to be that way but like I said, I have to.”

James looked heart-broken and he just sat at the kitchen table processing everything you had said. You let the silence cushion you and waited. After five minutes, James got up and walked out. As soon as she heard the door close, Helen came straight through.

“How did that go?” she enquired.

“It’s over, I finished it.”

Helen let out a sigh of relief. “I think you’ve done the right thing. You’ve given it your best shot.”

Even though it was right, you still felt a creeping sense of guilt. You needed a sedative to settle that night to quieten the noise in your head. That always left you a bit groggy in the morning but as it was Saturday that didn’t matter as much. You were aware it was morning when you heard your phone ping to say it was a text. It was from Martin who was telling you that James had been around last night and had told him that you’d ended things and they’d ended up having a frank and honest conversation. Martin asked when he could see you again, Today was heading for a write-off with your pharmaceutical hangover but you agreed to seeing him on Sunday. Once you’d discussed it with Helen, you invited him to her house.

It felt strange to think of yourself as a single woman once more. You kept going over your decision again and again but you always came to the same conclusion that it had been the only course of action available to you. You missed him though and wondered how he was getting on.

Sunday you woke up reasonably early and your head felt a lot clearer. You started to plan how you were going to move your stuff out. You needed to talk to James but felt you should leave it another day or so. You had a key so you just needed to tell him when you wanted to do it. Martin popped over as promised and Helen finally got to meet him after being intrigued by him on the phone. He came armed with pizza which instantly made him popular. You sit in the kitchen and eat. Once you’re done, Helen leaves you to talk. You tell him about James being there when you got home after seeing him.

“That must have been a shock,”

“Yes it was a bit but actually it got things sorted. Felt awful Friday and Saturday but I feel like a weight has gone today. I do keep thinking about him though.”

“That’s understandable. He was pretty down yesterday. We talked about you quite a lot actually. I told him I couldn’t believe he’d let everything get to this stage and that if I’d met someone like you I wouldn’t be letting them go.”

“You didn’t tell him…” you say, almost holding your breath.

“No but I did tell him how upset you’d been and that I’d had to get you to stay at mine after Paris and look after you.”

“What did he say?”

“I think he finally realised the impact. He’s just not ready to settle down and he didn’t know how to deal with it. I told him how much you meant to me and that I had feelings for you.” He said, looking at you for a reaction.

“Oh God you did?” That panicky anxiety feeling was rising in your chest, Martin could see it and he took your hands.

“Shhh, it was fine. He didn’t have any objectons to things happening in the future as long as it wasn’t in front of him.”

You hadn’t expected that at all. You gripped on to Martin’s hand that little bit tighter and a smile appeared on your face.

“It’s so good to see you happy,” he beemed and he looked happy too. You felt you’d already been through so much.

You arranged to collect your stuff with James the following week. To your surprise James was in, you assumed he wouldn’t want to be. He was quite chatty and helped you get the stuff in to Helen’s car. Once you were done, Helen headed to the car and you handed the keys to James.

“I hope we can still be friends,” he said running his hands through his recently trimmed hair.

“I hope so too. I will miss you,” you hand the keys back to James.

“I’m sorry Milly. I couldn’t see the harm I was doing. Take care and I’m always at the end of a phone,” James wraps you in a hug. You knew you were doing the right thing but saying goodbye to your relationship was hard. You looked back and mouthed “bye” as you closed the door behind you.

It was six months before you felt ready to start seeing Martin and even then you took things slowly. Eighteen months later he’s accompanied you to a few social events but you’d never found the courage to be his plus one to anything.

It’s a cold Wednesday night in February and you’re at hockey practice. The wind is biting and everyone is keeping active just to stay warm. To finish up you have a practise match which means everyone can indeed keep moving. You loved your hockey but you were looking forward to a hot shower and a phone call from Martin who was working late. It was all that was getting you through this last bit of practice.

The ball is passed long to you and you have to run to get it. You can see Fion is also running for it from the other team. Before you reach the ball, everything starts to become hazy and as you reach the ball everything goes black. When you come to everything is muffled and your head is killing. It takes a little while to realise you’re not on the astroturf pitch anymore. It occurs to you that you are in hospital. A doctor is shining a light in your eyes and it’s making your head hurt more so you swat away the light.

“Milly, can you hear me?” the doctor asks.

“Yeah,” you reply, still feeling confused.

“Can you remember what happened?”

“Hockey,” is the only word you seem able to say.

It turns out that you’d passed out just as you were about to make the tackle and ended up smashing your head on Fion’s stick. You’d gashed your head and given yourself a concussion. Martin was waiting for you in the waiting room after he tried to call you and the team captain answered your phone and told him what had happened.

“Are you usually fit and well Milly?” the doctor continued to question you.

“Yeah,”

“No relevant medical history we need to know about?”

You shook your head.

“Your blood pressure is very low. That’s probably what make you black out.”

“Why is it low?” you asked.

“Well,” the doctor said in a tone that made you feel like you had something seriously wrong with you.

“Well, what?”

“I can’t be 100% on this but I’m reasonably sure it’s because you’re pregnant.”

Those last two words had woken you up more than anything had ever in your life. You couldn’t be. Could you?

“We’ll get someone to come down and do a scan for you. Do you want me to get your partner?” a softly spoken nurse said.

You nodded blankly and a worried looking Martin was bought to your bedside.

“Ouch,” he said, looking at the stitched-up gash above your left eye. “What happened? Someone said you’d collapsed?”

“Low blood pressure apparently. Martin, they’re saying I’m pregnant,” you blurt out to a shocked looking Martin.

“You are?”

“I had no idea. Like none at all. They’re going to get someone to do a scan.”

You both sat in stunned silence until a nurse arrived to let you know that you would be admitted overnight for observation. Moments later a cheery lady arrives to do your scan. Martin holds your hand which is holding off the panic you can feel in your chest. The sonographer works her magic and there on the screen is a fluttering heartbeat and an obvious baby shape. You’re both transfixed by the image. When the sonographer tells you she things you’re about 16 weeks, you nearly pass out again.

“You’re not the first woman to have had no idea. It happens more than you think,” she smiles as she hands you the photo.

The next day you are discharged and Martin takes you home. You both sit in your front room trying to take everything in. How had you missed this? The truth was you weren’t looking for it and there were no major symptoms.

You spent a lot of the afternoon trying to sort out a plan with Martin. You were going to move in with him with a view to finding somewhere new once Martin had sold his flat. You’d already started to tell people (Fion, who felt completely responsible for the head injury was near hysterical that she had, albeit accidently, injured a pregnant woman). Martin had started to let his family know and was going to let those he worked with know in the coming weeks.

As time marched on you were having regular appointments with a midwife and slowly getting your head around the fact you were having a baby. Your body started to yield to the fact too and you started to look pregnant rather that someone who’d eaten a bit too much cake. You moved into your new house and you could finally start getting the nursery ready.

You are now only a few weeks away from giving birth. You are on maternity leave and trying hard to be as prepared as possible. It’s a balmy Friday evening and you’re enjoying the sun in your garden when Martin appears at the patio doors.

“Hey, we’ve got visitors,” he exclaims, walking into the garden followed by Nicky, Sean and James.

This was the first time you’d seen James since you moved out of the flat you shared. You could see he was a bit apprehensive so you made sure you went over to him and gave him a hug.

“Crikey, look at you,” he said. “More beautiful than ever,” he said as you put your arms around him.

“I think the words you are looking for are cranky and way too hot,” you joked as Nicky came over and wrapped his arms around you.

You chat to Nicky and James. Eventually Nicky wanders of and suddenly it’s just you and James. You sit on the seat swing on the patio.

“I thought I might have seen you before now,”

You shrugged. “I guess we move in different circles now.”

“Not without overlap though. I hope I’m not the one putting you off. I would never make either of you feel awkward.”

“I think I’m quite able to make myself feel awkward,” you smirk. James smiles back.

“I regret the way we finished. I was wrong to push you away. I realise now what I lost and that Martin is a lucky man.

You blush furiously and James sniggers. “You were always awful at taking compliments.”

You punch him lightly on the arm and he mocks injury.

“I think once this baby arrives I won’t be going out as much anyway,”

“So you’re going to come to one of the festivals then? While you can?”

“James are you mad? Imagine going into labour at a festival site!” you laugh. “I think even Martin might get in a flap about that one.”

“Yeah true.” James laughs.

Martin re-emerges in the garden with Nicky and Sean. With a wicked grin James smiles at Martin.

“Just been convincing Milly to come to the next festival. That should be ok shouldn’t it?

Martin raises his eyebrows and looks at you. “Are you sure you want to do that?” he tentatively asks. Neither you nor James can keep a straight face for any longer.

“See, I told you! Even Martin thinks it’s a crazy idea,” you exclaim.

“Sorry Martin, I hadn’t actually thought of the logistics of that one,” he smirks. The look of relief on Martin’s face is palpable.

“Jesus, James don’t do that to me. I can arrange most things but an airlift from a festival site is probably not one of them.

You both said goodbye to the boys. Once they were gone, Martin wraps his arms around you.

“Sounds like you had a good chat with James,” Martin asks.

“Yeah, feel like we’ve finally concluded things to be honest. He said sorry at the time but I always thought that was because he held out hope we’d get back together.”

“And now?”

You look up at Martin. “And now I’m with you and that’s all that matters.”


End file.
